DESCRIPTIONS OF ROLES FOR WHICH I HAVE AUDITIONED

Verbatim. Chosen at random.
  1. "Normal, attractive looking (but not sexy!)"
    Not sexy! That might be threatening.
  2. "Dr. Reed's trophy wife."
    Lots of wives and girlfriends, ladies. If you lack personality, don't worry. You can always define yourself by a man.
  3. "She's beautiful, likable and friendly and a big football fan!"
    And when she's not asking you for sex or cooking delicious meals from scratch, all she wants to do is play video games!
  4. "A strikingly beautiful, charming, cocky researcher."
    Any woman who seeks that kind of smart person's job must be cocky. She's beautiful and also knows things? Super cocky.
  5. "Cute and spunky, warm and approachable."
    Like in a Venus razor commercial? Like, I'm just shaving my long, tan legs on this sunny beach and then having a pillow fight with my besties. It's fun being a girl! Am I on the right track here, or...?
  6. "[Some dude's] fun loving wife who flaunts her cleavage and flirts with [name redacted] when she's not mothering him."
    The Madonna/whore complex is real. Let's perpetuate it by writing stories about it!
  7. "This beautiful, feisty girl is as wild as she is gorgeous."
    Wild, like opinionated? Or... looks like ScarJo but grew up on a farm where she was raised by a single dad who is the love of her life but he's dying so she sleeps with dangerous men who come into her 24-hour roadside diner & somehow maintains a perfect blowout to offset her piercings & tattoos, and her skin glows perfectly as she drives her pickup truck into the sunset?
  8. "Attractive and no-nonsense, with a sardonic and cutting wit."
    This one sounds smart. How great! Wait. Wait a minute. Make sure she's attractive though. Yeah 'cause otherwise that "wit" ceases to be interesting.
  9. "Sweet, quirky and scattered. She's also incredibly beautiful but doesn't seem to know it."
    Beautiful but not threatening because she doesn't know she's beautiful. Like when supermodels are like, "I just always feel like that awkward teenager who was taller than all the boys!" Just like that.
  10. "Bill's long-suffering wife and mother to their three children. Attractive even with her hair pulled back."
    Even with her hair pulled back. Must be some bone structure. Her kids are damn lucky to have a mother with a bone structure like that.
  11. "Brunette with a perky personality. Should feel real."
    Perky. But not crazy. Energetic. But not put-on. Like totally authentic. Like a real person. Can you picture what it feels like to be a real person? Yeah? Do that.
  12. "Cool, sophisticated, attractive yet relatable."
    Attractive people? I just can't relate. How can you be attractive AND relatable? I'm gonna need a minute to marinate on this before I do the audition.
  13. "Any ethnicity, a sweet, pretty, down to earth girl."
    Sweet like a cupcake or a My Little Pony. But any ethnicity. Wait. Hold on a minute. If I'm a woman in my 30's, can I still be characterized as a "girl"? Pretty please say yes.
  14. "Gorgeous, sexy. Athletic but petite. Can be emotionally unstable."
    How athletic though? Like, are my calves too big for this role? I'm petite, but, like, how athletic and how petite do you mean?
  15. "Looking for a wide range of girls from normal to urban hip attractive."
    Love that wide range. That's awesome. What do the normal girls look like? How do they act? I can't wait to see them in the waiting room so I can finally figure out what this elusive "normal" is.