Dates Your Facebook Friends Pretend to Have Known About All Along
You know. Those "holidays." The National Whatever Days that your high school friends use to post touching tributes as though they knew these dates even existed.
- •Chocolate Cake Day (Jan 27)The same girl who posts pictures of her friends at Malibu Wines with the caption "reunited and it feels so good." She doesn't like those friends, nor did she eat chocolate cake on January 27.
- •Pi Day (March 14)I made this elaborate pie to celebrate the fact that the only math I do is on my iPhone calculator to figure out how much I have to tip.
- •National Sibling Day (April 10)This picture of me and my brother from the 90s demonstrates that this is the only sibling bond that matters. It surpasses any loving family relationship you're in. Honestly, if you have siblings, you should just euthanize them because my relationship with my brother is the only one the earth needs.
- •National Pet Day (April 11)I'm going to write about my dog like she's dead, but lol she's not!! She's alive, and she's the best friend I could ask for, and she listens to ALL of my problems!!
- •Doughnut Day (June 5)I brought this box of doughnuts to work because it's Doughnut Day, AND I ALWAYS KNEW THAT.
- •National Cousins' Day (July 24)See Siblings Day.
- •National Parents' Day (July 25)See Siblings Day.
- •World Kindness Day (November 13)If everyone were as nice as me, the world would be a MUCH better place! Except I'm not nice at all. I watch The Bachelor specifically to pass harsh judgment on the physical attributes of other women!! LOL! Oh well! Happy Kindness Day!