IF TV SHOWS WERE PEOPLE
The titular character:
- •Friday Night Lights3:00pm. I'm lying in my bed. Friday Night Lights barges into my room and opens up all the curtains. "It's time to get up," FNL says. I say "but it's beeeed day. I don't waaaaant to." FNL pulls away my blankets, grabs me by the shoulders, slaps me across the face, and then immediately hugs me saying, "I do this because I love you. Now get out of bed, reply to those emails, start applying to jobs, AND TAKE A GODDAMN SHOWER"
- •Teen WolfTeen Wolf invites me to their house. I show up and it's a raging house party. And there are hot people everywhere. I help myself to a drink and Teen Wolf taps my shoulder and just starts speaking words at me and I'm all like "Teen Wolf, you're not making any sense right now. You're totally drunk and I don't understand what you're saying. What the fuck is a Deucalion?" But Teen Wolf keeps going. Eventually I'm like, "Fuck it, Teen Wolf. LETS DANCE"
- •You're the WorstYou're the Worst and I are holding hands, skipping through a field of flowers. Suddenly I feel YtW let go of my hand. I turn around and YtW is lying face down in the field of flowers with 100 arrows sticking out its back. I know I should run. I'm probably next. But all I can do is silently stare at him and whisper, "fuuuuuuuuuuu"
- •ParenthoodI come back to my room and Parenthood is lying on my couch under a blanket silently crying. I drop everything rush to her side and hold her in my arms. I place her head in my lap, order some pizza, and say "everything's going to be alright" while stroking her hair.
- •EmpireEmpire and I are lounging on a white leather couch. We're both wearing fur vests and sipping martinis. I'm all like "SHIIIIIIIT" And then Empire's all like "SHIIIIIIT"
- •JeopardyJeopardy and I are sitting at the dining table. I am sitting up straight while Jeopardy is quietly reading the New York Times. I ask, "Can I go to the bathroom?" Jeopardy puts down the paper and responds, "I don't know. CAN you?" I flip off Jeopardy and go to the bathroom.
- •My Mad Fat DiaryMMFD invites me over for a cuppa. MMFD puts the kettle on the fire. Fifteen minutes later, I'm in the fetal position on MMFD's couch revealing my deepest darkest secrets.
- •Jane the VirginJane the Virgin and I drive to Meijer together to buy some hair dye and 3 bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. Two hours later we are crying of laughter on the floor.
- •Silicon ValleySilicon Valley and I are in an all white room with two laptops and the Silicon Valley intro theme playing on a loop in the background. We sit across from each other and code. We do not speak to each other except for to ask the other person for another red bull. It is revealed that the only thing we are coding is the number eight, two equal signs, and "D" over and over again.