Gotta get some stuff off my chest.
  1. To my refrigerator:
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    What is this? Are you? Are you beeping at ME? Cause I'm not even cloooose to being done. Oh, yeah. Just keep beeping. I can stand here, shoveling grapes into mouth ALL DAMN DAY.
  2. To everyone:
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    We should toast more often. Like at casual meals. Even if it's nothing big. Toasts are nice. And funny. And special.
  3. To Estelle Getty:
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    *starts crying* *hysterically crying* *pulls it together* In a world of chaos and confusion. *sniffles* You are the one thing I can always count on. WOMAN. You are my constant.
  4. To my last hair clip:
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    I remember when I first brought you home from Walgreens. You and all your brothers and sisters lookin all fresh. Then, one by one, they started disappearing. "Sound the AMBER ALERT🚨🚨🚨," I would exclaim each time. But they never came back. And now, it's just you and me. I'm sorry I stepped on you yesterday. I will never leave your side. Ever. It's us against the world, hair clip.
  5. To Bindi Irwin:
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    Get outa. My. WAY. BIN-DI. I don't wanna hear it. You are my personal hell.
  6. To that goddamn "Continue Playing" button on Netflix:
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    Stahp being so judgementaaallllll, you WHORE. *throws loose mints at computer screen* HERE. Take some loose mints.
  7. To my younger self:
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    Look at me. Look at US. Pretty cool huh? We've got booooobs. And really cool hair. And write bomb lists. Now listen closely kid. At your seventh grade orchestra concert, you're gonna wear your brand new flats. And the janitors will have just waxed the cafeteria floors. You will fall down, in front of the entire audience, and you will feel really bad.
  8. But here's the thing. That's the funniest shit you'll ever do. I'm serious. You will have entertained so many. Now. Here's what you're gonna do the second time around. First, fall. Second, pop back up. Third, take a bow. Then grapevine off stage left. Trust me. It'll kill. Lastly, you're so cool and clever. Man. I totally wanna be your best friend.
  9. To my older self:
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    Hold up. Say that one more time. We make HOW much money?!?!