Today I had my first full body massage and here are my thoughts chronologically.
  1. Why is everyone whispering?
  2. And why are they talking so slow?
  3. Wait, why am I whispering?
  4. My masseuse looks like Xosha Roquemore. She's so cool. I already want to be friends with her.
  5. Are they playing the soundtrack to National Treasure?
  6. This music is really vibey. If the vibe is space odyssey mixed with little house on the prairie.
  7. Xosha gave me instructions and then walked out the door. I have forgot everything she told me.
  8. I think I'm supposed to take my clothes off. But do I take my underwear off too? I don't think we're that tight yet. I'll keep them on.
  9. Now what? Do I sit on the bed? There's no robe. Do I go get her? Nope, just gonna stand here half naked and wait.
  10. Xosha knocks on the door. I say come in. She opens and closes the door immediately thinking I'm indecent because I'm standing in the corner of the room half naked. At this point I know I've made a mistake and sit on the bed under the blanket. And tell her to come in. Wow, that was traumatic and stressful.
  11. Is your face supposed to be comfortable in this face hole contraption?
  12. Heated blankets are my new hobby.
  13. What is Xosha doing to my foot?
  14. Whoa, that felt kinda good.
  15. Homegirl is getting reeaally close to my lady bits.
  16. Should have taken my bra off.
  17. Do I keep my eyes open or closed? They've been closed this whole time but maybe I'll open them now?
  18. Xosha is wearing crocs. She's so freaking cool.
  19. Whoa, I want head massages erryday.
  20. Is it weird for guys to get massages? I feel like boners would be a problem? Idk.
  21. Exqueeze me? My massage is over?! It's been like five minutes?
  22. Wait, what? Sixty minutes have passed?
  23. I am a new woman.