Things I Wish I'd Told the Tooth King

In 2009 I was living in LA, looking for a sitcom job and a dentist I could trust. I found Tooth King. He was sweet. He had impressive equipment. He spoke with an accent and casually used my first name like an old friend. But he was a fraud, a fraud who wished to perform unnecessary dental work on me. These are the things I should've said to him.
  1. Eight cavities?! You may be the Tooth King but you sure aren't the Truth King because I use Listerine brand mouthwash twice a day and it is scientifically proven to prevent cavities and bad breath. Ya bish.
  2. I may have a dead tooth but you'll be a dead Tooth King if you don't put down that drill, brother.
  3. When I saw your large marquee in that strip mall off Lincoln, I thought I could trust you. You were the King after all. And! And! You were just a few blocks away from my favorite Norm's. Do you like Norm's? Well we could have gone there together, breakfast 24 hours a day, but you ruined it. You lied. Can I still keep my free toothbrush?
  4. How much laughing gas did you huff? Seriously, your nose is bleeding and you're dancing to elevator music.
  5. Where did you get your dental degree from? Clown College?! Did you run up a lot of student loan debt? There are a lot of programs out there that can help you pay it off, on your terms. Lower your interest rate even. Ok, well, good luck, sir.
  6. You may be the Tooth King but I'm the Floss Boss.
  7. Remember that movie The Tooth Fairy starring The Rock? Its tagline was "The Tooth Hurts." Really good film but not fitting in this case because my teeth don't hurt and I don't have eight cavities, you lying sack of shit. Do you think the Rock will ever win an Oscar?
  8. This dude was seriously awful. Check out his Yelp reviews and don't kiss the ring of Tooth King: http://m.yelp.com/biz/toothking-dentistry-santa-monica