Things I Wish I'd Told the Tooth King
In 2009 I was living in LA, looking for a sitcom job and a dentist I could trust. I found Tooth King. He was sweet. He had impressive equipment. He spoke with an accent and casually used my first name like an old friend. But he was a fraud, a fraud who wished to perform unnecessary dental work on me. These are the things I should've said to him.
- •Eight cavities?! You may be the Tooth King but you sure aren't the Truth King because I use Listerine brand mouthwash twice a day and it is scientifically proven to prevent cavities and bad breath. Ya bish.
- •I may have a dead tooth but you'll be a dead Tooth King if you don't put down that drill, brother.
- •When I saw your large marquee in that strip mall off Lincoln, I thought I could trust you. You were the King after all. And! And! You were just a few blocks away from my favorite Norm's. Do you like Norm's? Well we could have gone there together, breakfast 24 hours a day, but you ruined it. You lied. Can I still keep my free toothbrush?
- •How much laughing gas did you huff? Seriously, your nose is bleeding and you're dancing to elevator music.
- •Where did you get your dental degree from? Clown College?! Did you run up a lot of student loan debt? There are a lot of programs out there that can help you pay it off, on your terms. Lower your interest rate even. Ok, well, good luck, sir.
- •You may be the Tooth King but I'm the Floss Boss.
- •Remember that movie The Tooth Fairy starring The Rock? Its tagline was "The Tooth Hurts." Really good film but not fitting in this case because my teeth don't hurt and I don't have eight cavities, you lying sack of shit. Do you think the Rock will ever win an Oscar?
- •This dude was seriously awful. Check out his Yelp reviews and don't kiss the ring of Tooth King: http://m.yelp.com/biz/toothking-dentistry-santa-monica