NEW SLOGANS FOR UNITED PARCEL SERVICE

Time to put "What can brown do for you?" out to stud, let him pass on his DNA to some horseshit startup that's still just a twinkle in some venture capitalist's coke-addled eye.
  1. Trucks? Yes. Side doors? Sometimes.
    I wanted to go with a semicolon and colons here, but you know the guys upstairs.
  2. Driver does not carry cash.
    Back in the day, though... Every truck was like an armored car with all that Columbia House COD money.
  3. We had nothing to do with dated FedEx product placement experiment Cast Away.
    Not that Zemeckis bothered to ask.
  4. Amazon? Yeah, but look, it's an open marriage.
  5. We have a powerful lobby.
    Not sure about this one, but it seems like a safe bet.