TIMES I CALLED UPS AND SEPHORA TODAY ABOUT ONE PACKAGE I'LL NEVER GET:

Or (HOW I LOST MY G DAMN MIND)
  1. Disclaimer
    I realize not getting a package delivered to you is a minor inconvenience and I should not care as deeply as I do but this is my story so get over it.
  2. Backstory
    I never get my packages sent me on time and every time it results in flames on the side of my face.
  3. 11:12am
    I politely ask if there is any way we could ensure my package will be delivered to my apartment on time today. It never happens and I'm wondering if it's a setting I need to change. He tells me it's Sephora's fault.
  4. 11:33am
    I call Sephora and much more chipper girl answers, feels my pain, and says we will definitely fix this. UPS is lying, "they're part of the business is delivering, I don't know why he said that." Anyway, she's somehow changes my package from a delivery to a pick up location "close to my apartment." Says she will email the location for further convenience.
  5. I wait.
  6. 4:11pm
    I call Sephora asking for the location address because somehow I haven't yet received the email. They tell me it's been dropped off at "the closest location to your apartment." It's 40 min. away. I am flabbergasted. They say only UPS can change things now and I'll have to talk to them. I say thank you and hang up. Flames on the side of my face.
  7. 4:52pm
    UPS says Sephora is wrong. Call them and have them sort it out. FLAMES.
  8. 4:58pm
    I talk to a nice young man who is really trying to help me because he can hear my voice starting to break up because I am going to rage cry. I apologize that I am getting upset, I'm embarrassed. He says "gurrrl no. Don't worry about it." I feel a little better. He cannot help me. He gets his supervisor. They tell me that indeed this is the closest drop off spot. LIES. They say they can have it delivered to another address. They will call me in an hour to give me time to get my shit together.
  9. 6:01pm
    I get a call back from nice young man asking if I've made my decision on where to deliver to. I ask if I could have the package delivered to one of the UPS drop off lockers in my area. He says "whaaaa?" That's not an option he is aware of. He suggests we three way call attack UPS. After being placed on hold for an entire chopped episode we are connected to a dude that don't gaf. He's not here to help. The bulk of his answers to our questions are "I don't know." We hang up.
  10. We had survived our first three way call attack.
    Nice Sephora man tells me that there indeed nothing he can do. UPS blows. I ask him what my options are for the future. He says use USPS instead beCAUSE THAT HAS BEEN AN OPTION THE WHOLE TIME OH MY GOD NO WTF.
  11. Fin