Let's take a moment first to reflect on what it feels like to get this list request from my 22-year-old former student/"friend". πŸ˜±πŸ˜±πŸ˜±πŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ˜–πŸ˜–πŸ˜–πŸ˜’πŸ˜’πŸ˜’πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘ OK, now that I've processed it, here goes.
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    Most days I think my hair looks pretty cool.
    No really, I do. I think salt and pepper hair is hot af on dudes, so why should I feel different when I look in the mirror? I feel like the contrast is striking and gives me something like gravitas.
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    And I have always liked that I keep things natural.
    Aside from a couple of very brief artsy flirtations with dark dye in college, I have never colored my hair. I don't wax my brows or do Botox and I forget to wear makeup at least two days out of the week. I like feeling like myself.
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    But some days I feel self conscious, and wonder if it ages me when, otherwise, I'm keeping shit pretty tight.
    Well, not tight, maybe. But at least well moisturized and out of the sun. For reference: I turned 38 last week but got carded for an R-rated movie last month.
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    For what it's worth, the guys I've dated, both older and younger, have told me they really like my hair.
    I don't think they're lying.
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    In my weaker moments, though, I worry that future dudes will be turned off by it.
    You can't see my grey hair in pictures. I don't even know if most people notice it in person. But online dating is a mindfuck no matter how healthy you try to be about it. So maybe I try to preemptively, self-protectively think of reasons that it won't work out? And the grey hairs are the most obvious physical manifestation of the fact that I am not that young.
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    In my REALLY dark moments, I wonder if anyone looks at my hair and thinks, "She probably can't have children."
    Note: I have no idea if I can have kids or not. Or if I want to. But I know that men can usually put off this decision much longer than women can, and sometimes that makes me furious. And thinking about this, and all the VERY COMPLICATED reasons I am ambivalent about motherhood, is a lot some days.
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    Regretting requesting this list yet, @aprilkquioh?
    Are these feelings too real?
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    So sometimes I worry that the guys who like it will think I'm, I dunno, a cougar or something, which is maybe the worst concept I can actually imagine.
    Nothing wrong with other folks dating younger but it's not for me. And I feel like cougars are always seen as desperate?
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    But more so, I worry that once I start dyeing it, I won't be able to stop,
    And that business is expeeeeeensive.
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    So what I will hold onto, for now, is the truth that I think women who naturally go grey are brave and strong and pretty damn hot.
    Like that woman I see in my yoga class from time to time. She can get it.