Types of Crushes, Ranked in Descending Order of Torment

Total anguish.
  1. 1.
    Mentor
    Please take me under your wing. I like your shoes and your professional career path.
  2. 2.
    Friend
    They have your taste in TV, and you just want to reach the spooning on the couch, Tindering together, brainstorming a doomed podcast phase.
  3. 3.
    Schoolyard
    In first grade, my life was ruined when I didn't have a date to Amanda and Jared's sandbox wedding.
  4. 4.
    Celebrity
    They wrote a book you love, and we can't all Twitter DM our way to their hearts like Lena Dunham.
  5. 5.
    Actual
    Catch me scrolling through your profile pictures, whispering sweet futile nothings into the silent darkness.