Worst Things About Self Tanning Industry

  1. Products do not work or I suck at applying them, leading to the inevitable orange splotchiness making me look halfway to Oompa Loompa
  2. The word "glow" or any derivative, for ex. "glowing"
    Only women who should be made to feel like they are glowing are pregnant ladies, Meryl Streep, and me post-coital
  3. There's some sort of hormone or other chemical that makes me forget what happened the last time I tried to use bronzer on my face, giving me a perpetual false sense of security
  4. People who say I'll look skinnier if I spray tan
  5. People who say pale people are vampiric
  6. The fact that my pale skin leads me to identify with Bella Swan