How to Be Me in 5 Easy Steps

  1. In a room full of people, give all your attention to the dog
    Key - when people talk to you, answer as if they were talking to the dog and you are answering for him.
  2. Always drink decaf because you have a heart condition, but pretend to "need coffee in the morning" so people think you're normal
  3. Eat dessert after every meal
    Including breakfast dessert and afternoon snack dessert
  4. Make exciting plans to hang out with friends then immediately begin wishing they would cancel so you can appear social but actually stay home and watch Parenthood
  5. Be wary of children
    They are unpredictable and leaky and they can see into your soul.