TRANSLATING MARTHA STEWART'S SEPTEMBER CALENDAR

  1. September 1st: Pull faded annuals from flower beds
    Wax
  2. September 2nd: Replace and fill bird feeders after summer hiatus
    Skype with dealer, work out delivery schedule for autumn
  3. September 4th: Collect, extract, and jar honey from my bees
    Gross Martha!
  4. September 6th: Pick hot peppers and string them for drying
    Line up Tinder dates
  5. September 10th: Vacuum all heating ducts in houses
    Colonics
  6. September 12th: Morning walk with the dogs
    Morning walk with the dawgs
  7. September 17: Have chimney and furnace inspected
    Gynecologist appt
  8. September 18th: Organize toolshed
    Color code toy drawer
  9. September 19th: Horseback ride
    Hinge hookup
  10. September 28th: View the harvest-moon lunar eclipse
    Eyes Wide Shut party
  11. September 30th: Launder summer-weight blankets; store for winter
    Pack it in. You had a good summer.