I've always run from the word "depressed", tried to disassociate myself from it my whole life because I've seen how debilitating it can be, especially in life of my mother.
  1. Here's the thing: I am depressed.
  2. I've probably struggled with it longer than I recognised in the past under the banners of other things.
    Like exhaustion, chronic fatigue, introversion.
  3. But lately, I'm starting to see it for what it is because putting a name to something often removes its power.
  4. I feel it like a heaviness over my body, a blankness in my mind.
  5. It isn't darkness or despair, but it is a kind of hopelessness for no reason at all.
  6. Because I have hope, an eternal hope before me, but sometimes that it is difficult to see through the fog.
  7. I get overwhelmed easily + this year is the first year I've dealt with proper anxiety.
    And it is the worst.
  8. I've been coming to terms with all this lately because this week depression was bad for my mom.
    But thank goodness she is feeling better.
  9. I've also realised how I'm not really coping day-to-day.
    Work is getting too much + sometimes I just sit at my desk pretending to work because I literally cannot focus.
  10. Comments that would usually slide off my back have also been increasingly harder to hear.
    Like a colleague telling me to shut up or my boss telling me to think for myself.
  11. And I have to pray not to cry because those comments are stupid + shouldn't deserve that reaction.
  12. In the words of C.S. Lewis, "Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”"
  13. My sister wrote a poem on depression, inspired by my mom, and she puts it so well, "The happiest thing, Could happen today And everything still, Would be tinted with grey."
  14. When I think of depression, this line from Wordsworth's poem has always spoken to me, "The world is too much with us; late and soon."
    It's from this poem: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/45564 (this line probably has nothing to do with depression)
  15. I'm working through this in my own way: exercising more, praying + eventually I'll add talking to this list.
    But talking about depression here is a first step + an important one.
  16. I'm focusing on this now.
  17. And this.