CHRISTMAS THROUGH THE YEARS

  1. 1996: my parents opened a baby shaped present under the tree and it was me, only a month premature, so I was quickly taken to the hospital. Nobody believed my parents when they said the baby wasn't theirs
  2. 1999: Stanley Kubrick (Amelia Earhart) dies. I realize I must become a pilot to properly fake the Mars landing.
  3. 2001: the first Toby Maguire Spider-Man comes out on dvd and I receive it as a gift.
  4. 2005: I receive a small statue of Krampus as a gift. None of my family members admit to giving it to me. On the night of a full moon I touch it with my penis and receive a vision of my death.
  5. 2008: every gift I open turns to ash except for a dvd copy of Paul Thomas Anderson's There Will Be Blood
  6. 2011: I drink too much champagne and pass out in the snow for 12 days
  7. 2015: I touch the head of a giant underwater statue of Jesus Christ and receive a vision of my sexual awakening.