Actual Things My Family Has Said This Christmas

  1. "How far away does Kari's people live?"
  2. "Do they live on the House Mountain side of the road?"
  3. "I think I may need to take a dump in Mamaw's bathroom."
  4. "Where did Uncle Jean go?!" "I runned off."
  5. "Hey Bill. Hey Bill. Hey, Bill! Hey, BILL! HEY. HEY BILL!!!"
  6. "You'da thought he'd pissed on the carpet."
  7. "Those aren't real Jews."
  8. "I don't drink much." "...like, water?"
  9. "The Lord knows every hair on your head."
  10. "You know what you look like? A Hamilton."
  11. "Did you know she made this bird thing?"
  12. "Aaron, l'll have to pass on your balls."
  13. "Only Papaw would put a motion censored Santa in the bathroom."
  14. "Yeeeeeeee doggie! Woooooooo weeeeee."
  15. "He's passing gas again."
  16. "Is this like the Lord's Supper?"
  17. [opening a calendar] "Wooo weeee!" "You got a computer." "It ain't been computed yet."
  18. "He said something. A Zesta!" "A Vespa. It used to be yours."
  19. "That's science right there, Mr. Engineer."
  20. "Hot dog! Yeeeeeeeeee."
  21. "They're sugar free." "Sugar free." "Sugar free!" "They're sugar free." "Bill, those are sugar free."
  22. "Man can't have enough nuts."
  23. "When they call me sweetie, I tell them, 'You're right! I have diabetes."
  24. "We made out like bandits."
  25. "Aaron, you start the party. Again. Restart. It again. Restart the party."
  26. "Bifocals for the win."
  27. "What is it? Butt wax?"
  28. "Every man has a doohickey."
  29. "Bench grinder!" "Grindin' bitches?"
  30. "Mission to see the Indians."