THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO TRY AND IMPRESS ME THAT ACTUALLY SERIOUSLY PISS ME OFF AND DON'T IMPRESS ME

  1. 1.
    "I had a 4.0 in high school."
    Wow. Cool. Very impressive! This usually just means that you don't have a 4.0 in college, where we are now. I'm glad your past achievements from when you were 14 make you feel good about yourself.
  2. 2.
    "I'm a vegetarian."
    Fun fact about me-I don't think going against nature to prove a point about animal rights while you walk around in Ugg boots is impressive. Sorry.
  3. 3.
    "I've slept with X number of people."
    Ew. Do you use condoms? I hope so. The pill doesn't protect against the herp. Get one of those people to sleep with you a second time and then maybe I'll be impressed.
  4. 4.
    "I thought I was going to fail this exam but I actually got a 95!"
    We all know that you didn't actually think that. You wanted us to think you did so we would ask about it and continue to praise you for your academic prowess. Grow up.
  5. 5.
    "I get at least 100 likes per Instagram."
    Do you? Wow must be nice. But we all know that you hashtag #like4like and delete it later so sit the fuck down and get likes on your selfie like a grown up.