(NON SEXUAL) THINGS IVE DONE FOR MONEY

Student discounts can only get you so far. Here's how I supplement my closet during these student loan days. (Once day I hope to use these as part of my argument for why my kids need summer jobs. I cannot wait for that day. )
  1. Donated vaginal specimens
    NOT sexual! I promise! Financed a flight to California and got a free HIV test. Total= 100 dollars + a negative result.
  2. Donated saliva x 3
    One time, my mouth ran dry and they handed me sugar granules to put on my tongue to stimulate more. 3 vials of spit. Total= 10 dollars - 1 dollar for that bottled water = 9 dollars.
  3. Ate as many chocolate covered peanuts as I wanted
    Not sure the purpose of this study, but I would have ate a whole lot more if my tastebuds didn't know they were generic 😒 Total = 3 dollars + a stomach ache.
  4. Convinced an Indian grad student that he would spend ten dollars on my ziplock bag of markers
    He took the deal. I don't think he understood the directions, but I got to keep the markers. Total = 10 dollars + dried up crayolas.
  5. Allowed incredibly detailed pictures of my face and teeth
    Then donated more saliva. They are growing a clone of me as we speak. Total = 20 dollars and the knowledge that my genes might live on.
  6. Performed the same memory tests once a year for five years
    Doll, mirror, horse.. 24/24 words every session. Plus, dude, you tell me you're colorblind EVERY TIME. Save it for the non-healthy subjects, PLZ. Total = 50 dollars - 2 dollars for the coffee I NEED before each session.
  7. Been scanned in an MRI more times than I can count
    The older technician knows my prescription for the plastic glasses. The other technician said she didn't recognize me until she saw my brain. Apparently it's HUGE. Or my skull is small. I believe it's the former. Total= I make bank with these. Sometimes I sleep and get a bonus for lying still.
  8. Looked at women's faces and judged how confident I was in their abilities to perform tasks
    Turns out they incorporated my face into their faces. I still don't believe it. Total= 5 dollars and a sense of distrust.
  9. Counted down by 17 from 2,893 for way too long
    All the while getting yelled at, video taped, and monitored for a stress response. Turns out counting backwards turns me into a real bitch. Total= 150. Big pay out for invasive monitoring and emotional abuse.