THINGS MY MOTHER HAS MADE ME DEATHLY AFRAID OF

  1. Traffic patterns
    Especially road closures.
  2. Rubber bands
    In the form of a rubber band gun. Or wrapped around something so tightly they could snap.
  3. Deer on the side of the road
    Because my mom knows someone who knows someone who once hit a deer and the hooves entered the window shield and repetitively kicked the drivers face. Really, what could be worse?!?
  4. Being caught without an umbrella
    She still sends me ominous emails once/twice a week with "bring your umbrella" in the subject line. No text below.
  5. Doors
    I overreact when people hold the door shut from the other side. What always starts as a harmless game quickly escalates to tears and confused apologies. My mom knocked her teeth out with the gymnasium door in highschool so this has always been a threat.
  6. Unlocked car doors
    Along the same lines. There's this story my mom tells of her sister falling out of a moving car door onto the highway. What she neglects to add is that there were 6 people in the back seat, my aunt was on the floor, and the door was already OPEN.
  7. Arriving late to the airport
    Common belief is you show up 2 hours before takeoff. My mom extends it to 3. I settle for a nice 2.5.
  8. Locking my keys in my apartment
    3 people in a one mile radius have a spare to my apartment, but my mother always asks if I have my keys before I shut the door behind us. One time she didn't ask and I didn't have my keys and I cannot live it down. Obviously I blame her.
  9. Merging
    No, no. Not as the driver. At 26, I don't drive and have only fake plans to learn. I'm a lifelong passenger, and one you definitely want by your side. I admit I have my faults though- just tonight I was caught rolling up the windows and turning down the music before a one lane merge. Minimal distraction, as my mom puts it.
  10. Escalators
    It's not the height or the speed, it's the initiation. My optimal escalator experience involves enough time and patience to wait for a full step to be available before I commit. Then I have to hold on. I HAVE to. Preferably with both hands. The escalator at school turns my finger tips black, so I've considered an alternative, but not today.
  11. Falling asleep wearing contacts
    Because you will get infected and it will be awful.