GOP CANDIDATES RANKED IN ORDER OF NOT TERRIBLE TO WORST
I'm getting political, yo
- •John KasichWow, a Republican candidate who wants to *gasp* compromise with Democrats and other political parties to find common ground in policy? My hope for humanity still hangs on by a thread.
- •Rand PaulHe seems reasonable and smart enough, and his policies are not awful. Still Randy, I hate to break it to you but you don't have the votes, you don't have the votes, aha-ha-ha-ha
- •Jeb BushJeb doesn't exude confidence, or much of anything substantial for that matter. Plus one though for proposing an actual plan to defeat ISIS, unlike everyone else's policy of "AMERICA SMASH!"
- •Chris ChristieOkay, I could have MAYBE overlooked the sketchy bridge situation, but as soon as he starts spouting about "murdered fetuses," I'm out. Please leave, Christie, no one wants you here.
- •Ben CarsonThe best that could be said for his presidency is that he would probably just nap in the White House all day while his advisor or someone ran the country. You know, the Sultan and Jafar style.
- •Marco RubioGood god. And I don't mean that in the very literal way Rubio keeps referring to his lord and savior. He's uber confident, I'll give him that. And maniacal.
- •Donald TrumpDebate or not, I have to put him on the list. There's not much to say here that hasn't already been said. I'm embarrassed for the USA that he happened.
- •Ted CruzStill, I think the worst case scenario is Ted Cruz. He's slimy enough to manipulate the government and achieve his own insane ends, which is terrifying. Also terrifying is the fact that he looks like a doll carved out of wood that's been gathering dust for years on an old antique store shelf. You could have sworn his eyes followed you as you walked by.