Highlights From My Family Road Trip: Hour 2

Holiday trip, D.C. to Pittsburgh. ETA: never.
  1. 10-year-old daughter puts on headphones and sings along softly to KidzBop versions of "Hot and Cold," "So What" and "Sk8er Boi."
  2. Husband and son discuss Minecraft in the front seat.
  3. Daughter takes off headphones briefly to point out that KidzBop censors the word "kiss," but not the word "die."
  4. Son rails against censorship; illustrates salient points by singing the original Katy Perry line "You PMS like a bitch, I should know."
  5. We enter Pennsylvania!
  6. I finish drinking enormous McDonald's iced coffee. Need to pee, but NOT WILLING TO STOP.
  7. We all make fun of KidzBop change in "Bad Blood" from "Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes" to "Band-Aids don't fix, don't you know." Is that slander? Should Johnson & Johnson sue?
  8. We all agree that song would be improved by changing "When you live like that, you live with ghosts" to "When you live like that, you live with goats..."
  9. "Baby, now we got bad cud..."
  10. In "Uma Thurman," the "blood of the lamb" part has been changed to "the love, the love, the love of the lamb..." The livestock theme continues.
  11. Son undertakes complicated negotiation with his sister about who gets to choose restaurant for lunch.
  12. Son's preference: Bob Evans. He tells her, "They have a lot of things that might sound bad to you, but they're actually good."
  13. Executive decision by the parents: Denny's today, Bob Evans on the trip home.
  14. There are tears and yelling, threats and existential angst. IT'S JUST LUNCH.
  15. Breathe in, breathe out. Lunchtime soon. God, I need to pee.