My Emotional Journey Upon Being Asked for Money by a Guy at Jimmy Johns

  1. No.
  2. Okay, wait. Let's think about this. I can afford to give him something. He's hungry and it's raining outside. Don't be a dick.
  3. I only have a $5, but that's no problem. What good was a dollar going to do him, anyway? And the wallet's already out.
  4. Oh, good. He has enough to buy a sandwich. Glad I could help. Enjoy!
  5. He's coming over again. My pleasure, sir. Have a good day.
  6. Um...no, that seat's not taken. But the restaurant's completely empty.
  7. Oh, crap--he's actually sitting with me! ABORT! ABORT!
  8. Abort what? What am I going to do, take his sandwich away?
  9. He just said, "Don't worry, I don't steal." God, now I feel like crap for not wanting him to sit with me.
  10. See, what you need to understand, sir, is that I'm an extremely awkward and introverted person. I'm a writer, if that tells you anything. I really wasn't planning to have lunch with anyone today. But, you know...welcome to my table, I guess.
  11. He got a ham and cheese with, like, triple tomatoes. That's really sort of endearing.
  12. How rude is it if I keep playing Candy Crush on my phone?
  13. Okay, we've got some light chitchat going. Maybe this is an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe I should just get over myself and talk to him. I mean, we're both human beings. And we both like sandwiches, apparently.
  14. Oh, God, he has mayo all over his face.
  15. Is he crazy? I don't think he's crazy. But I also don't think he's not crazy.
  16. Just finish eating. This is not a big deal.
  17. Did he just say "nice spices"? Are we eating at the same place?
  18. Okay, so...No, actually I'm going to take the chips with me. Soda, too. Thanks.
  19. Thanks? Why did I say thanks? He answered "you're welcome," though. So that was a real solid interaction right there.
  20. Bye--you have a "strong, solid week," too! Nice guy. Nice guy.
  21. I'll just flee outside and finish eating my chips in the rain, feeling equal parts vague guilt and sweet, sweet relief.