1. If I Wanted a Medal I Would Have Won, Take This Participation Medal With You As You Take My Dignity
  2. Vinnie Ackerman Kicked Off My Chickenpox Scab And I Still Haven't Forgiven Him
  3. No, Vinnie Ackerman Doesn't Have A Facebook I Already Checked
  4. I Got Overheated At The Third Grade Wax Museum and My Principal Caught Me As I Fainted: A Foreshadowing of Things to Come
  5. The Time I Let My Mom Convince Me That Mrs. Claus Was a Cool Halloween Costume For a Fourth Grader
  6. Daring Other Fifth Graders to Do Dumb Stuff like Licking Trees at Camp and Apparently That's All You Need to Do For Them to Actually Do It
  7. Middle School Aesthetically Was The Darkest Time of My Life, I Don't Need to Know Anything Else, I'm Sure of It
  8. How I Became My High School Mascot and Why No One Was Suprised When I Revealed That Secret
  9. The Time I Went to Michigan State And Was Hospitalized for Hypothermia and Other Things That Happen to Totally Normal People
  10. How To Survive Art School on Drinking Only Barefoot Moscato and Free Cheese Quesadillas from Big Ten Burrito
  11. Working in Advertising Will Make You Fat But Not From Stress Eating Because You Won't Have Time to Eat Anything But Candy From the Reception Bowl and Leftover Meeting Food