Based on the film adaptation because I haven't seen the seen the musical since 8th grade.
  1. The Witch
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    Queen ruler of the woods. The Beyoncé of the woods, if you will. By far the best dressed. Performs an entire rap about vegetables. M E R Y L.
  2. Cinderella's Prince
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    The WORST but has the most entertainment value IMO. Has the voice of a beautiful, manly angel. Gave us Chris Pine singing "Agony." Delivers the 💅🏻😒💁🏻 lines (" should know that, as a peasant.") Outfit matches his eyes.
  3. The Baker
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    It's not his fault his father stole the beans! All this man wants is a baby! He's probably the most well-meaning, and he makes his own bread (more important talent than singing tbh). Probably shouldn't have given away the beans, though.
  4. Milky White
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    Just trying to live out her final days in peace!
  5. Baker's Wife
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    Didn't do anything to deserve the curse situation. Emily Blunt is amazing. The affair with the prince is iffy, but like, who can blame her? How did she not see that cliff though??????
  6. Baker's Baby
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    I'm worried about him. A developing infant shouldn't have to hear that whole gruesome story. Hope he's doing okay.
  7. Cinderella
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    All about her songs and the gold dress, but she runs AWAY from Chris multiple times, which shows poor judgement. Or excellent judgement. I can't tell.
  8. Red Riding Hood's Granny
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    Why'd this poor, frail woman get dragged into this? Did she even GET a piece of bread?
  9. Little Red Riding Hood
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    (Allegedly) only trying to bring her poor old hungry granny some food. Great cape. But she kept calling everyone out in "Your Fault" even though she wasn't actually present for any of the bean exchanges.
  10. Rapunzel's Prince
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    Obviously inferior to Chris Pine in every way, except the adultery part (Should be noted that in the show, he also commits adultery).
  11. Rapunzel
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    The fact that she doesn't die like she does in the show makes her less significant plot-wise. She's just sort of there to provide the yellow corn hair (which doesn't even work), listen to Meryl sing, and attract a lamer prince than Cinderella.
  12. Cinderella's Stepmother and Stepsisters
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    Stepmom is psycho, but in that great way Christine Baranski can pull off. The sisters cut chunks off their feet.
  13. Jack's Mom
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    Needs to calm down. It's just a cow.
  14. Jack
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    Also needs to relax about the cow, and is an overall huge mess. Sticks his nose in the giants' business, robs and later kills one of them. Later, has the nerve to claim it's all the Baker's fault for giving him the bean. And as if that's not enough, Jack's antics cause the giant's wife to come down and kill a bunch of people for revenge. Plus, "Giants in the Sky" isn't even that exciting.
  15. Big Bad Wolf
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    Torments a poor old granny, is a pedophile, sings the skeeviest song.