THINGS I WANTED TO SAY AT A NEW YEARS PARTY BUT REFRAINED FROM DOING SO

If I, of all people, was able to complete the highly difficult task of holding my tongue with the puns, lies, or funny statements, you can, too.
  1. "I'm gonna start working out."
    Lol. Next! (Side note: if you actually are planning to work out, don't get offended. This list is not intended to upset people, only for you to let a good laugh out.)
  2. "I haven't _____ since last year."
    Why must you plague society with these jokes? They're only funny if you're drunk. Sorry.
  3. "New year, new _____"
    Don't lie. It's the same.
  4. "I haven't had anything to drink!"
    Typically a lie. If you truthfully said this tonight, I applaud you. I didn't have anything tonight because I was the designated driver, but that doesn't mean you didn't have anything to drink ;)