THINGS MY DAD SAID WHILE VISITING HIM

  1. (Re: my post pardam baby weight) "You look...better." (Tone: half-hearted)
  2. We saw The Martian and I'm telling you people don't need to go to Mars. YOU'VE BEEN THERE IF YOU SAW THE MARTIAN!"
  3. That lady looks like a melted rubber candle. Her features are just sliding all over her face at random!
  4. I feel like the bride wants me to give an impromptu toast I just don't know what I should say .... (SHE DIDN'T WANT THIS!!!)
  5. (Re: my 5 month old baby) He doesn't like when you drag him around like a rag doll.