THINGS I DO IN MY OFFICE THAT ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WORK

  1. 1.
    Finish expert-level Sudoku puzzle
  2. 2.
    Look up horror movies my girlfriend has mentioned
  3. 3.
    Regret looking up horror movies FOREVER
  4. 4.
    Search "baby penguins" on YouTube
  5. 5.
    Remember all the games I used to play when I was on Neopets in middle school
  6. 6.
    Pretend I am not playing Neopets as a 23-year-old professional
  7. 7.
    Diagnose myself with a mild anxiety disorder
  8. 8.
    Read Autostraddle recaps of television shows I've never seen
  9. 9.
    Contemplate the purchase of a crop top
  10. 10.
    Try to decide if I am iron-deficient
  11. 11.
    Stalk vague high school acquaintances on Facebook back through 2011
  12. 12.
    Impulsively buy 50 cardboard coasters to decorate with Sharpies
  13. 13.
    Steal (borrow!) Sharpies from office
  14. 14.
    Stare at my work phone, pretend not to see new voicemails
  15. 15.
    Write shitty poetry about girlfriend
  16. 16.
    Vow never to show shitty poetry to anyone
  17. 17.
    Send shitty poetry to girlfriend
  18. 18.
    Fill shopping cart at J. Crew online with excellent t-shirts
  19. 19.
    Do not buy excellent t-shirts because stipend is a thing
  20. 20.
    Look at email inbox as if very very busy
  21. 21.
    Hope nobody ever emails me ever again
  22. 22.
    Drink more tea
  23. 23.
    Make lists on this app, being very certain they have 23 things because I am also 23