Tinder Men and their subspecies
Categories of men encountered on Tinder, and what each archetype says about it's inhabitants.
- •The fisherman.Desperate to show off their prized catch, these men cling to masculinity like a trout stuck on a hook. Truth be told though, dirty jeans, slimy scales, and fish longer than their killer's dicks, just don't make my femininity flutter. Left swipe.
- •The baby-lover (but not owner!)."That's not my baby." Ah, the hasty defense every Tinder-savvy women has come across. Similar to the "no homo" logic, these bios are the key for any tool itching to show his soft side, but fearful of the patriarchy. Left swipe.
- •The dog-lover (and owner!)For those boys who just can't bring themselves to show affection towards fellow human beings, there's the dog pic. You know the one—the cheesy owner hugging his shaggy eared, tongue out pupper. Right swipe for the dog, left swipe for you.
- •The Waldo.Where's Waldo? Where's Chris? Where's Peter? Where's Logan? Where's Joey? Whatever his name is, you have to spot him in the crowd. Impossible, you say? Nonsense, he's the self-conscious one unwilling to point himself out for your convenience. The best part is he's judging your selfie right now. Left swipe.
- •The body-builder.Similar to The Waldo, they enjoy another I Spy game, spot-the-muscles. See them? Right there? Can you find their masculinity? Left swipe.
- •The gentleman."I'll lie to your parents about how we met." Thanks so much, god forbid they know I like to fuck. Left swipe.
- •The one who swears he's hot.Look at all those beautiful girls draped around him. Clearly he's attractive, and I need to schedule an eye exam. Left. Swipe.
- •The guy who keeps it real.🍁 in the bio, just in case you were wondering if he smoked. Just in case. Just. In. Case. Leeeeeft swiiiiipe.
- •The comedian.Humor is an attractive trait, I must admit. But this is for the self-deprecating boys who use sarcasm to avoid any sort of emotions or productive conversations. The Chandler Bings of the world. Left swipe, unless I'm feeling particularly risky with my mental state.
- •The humanitarian.Ah, a white frat boy with a smiling black child. Nice to see you care about starving children enough to give them the exposure they deserve in your Tinder profile. Maybe a right swipe just so I can teach you about colonialism.