i'm realizing things

  1. i'm realizing that my very isolated childhood had very much affected me
  2. it shaped me into what people call "anti-social" but really they mean isolated. i'm not anti-social i am just so comfortable being alone and too myself because being alone and too myself it the only think i've ever known
  3. get this? i never played with kids my own age. i only ever interacted with kids when i was at school.
  4. sure that's 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week but how much of those hours includes socializing? lunch recess bathroom breaks? that's it
  5. i'm a good conversationalist don't get me wrong i find myself connect with people on a basic level very easily but once we get to my being able to bond and make actual friendships with people i find myself in a bind because i'm afraid to leave the house.
  6. why am i afraid to leave the house, because i've realized that my mother is very controlling, she inadvertently learned to control me by controlling my sister
  7. i'm the ✨golden child✨ and that's because i'm within my parents fucking eye sight every day of every hour doing everything i'm supposed to be doing because i'm terrified of my mothers not confrontations.
  8. and also because she told me she has never forgiven my sister for the time she skipped school in high school and ever since then she's never trusted a word that's come out of my sisters mouth, i immediately internalized that shit and i have never done anything ANYTHING that would breach my moms trust.
  9. imagine being incapable of forgiving your 16 year old daughter for skipping school, imagine never being able to trust anything your daughter tells you bc you think anything she is saying is a lie anyways. and ur so proud of me for being terrified of you. i can never do anything wrong, because if i do you'll never forgive me to trust me again?
  10. what do i mean by not confrontations? i mean like waiting up for you at 12?? sitting in the living room in the dark and turning on the light when the door open and coming up to u asking why u didn't answer the phone when u literally called her and told you u would be????
  11. y'all she literally did that to my sister thursday night. she asked my sister this and my sister answered her and she just stared at her
  12. and she hasn't talked to her since, (ITS SATURDAY!!!??) she's been slamming shit and avoiding eye contact and not talking but for what? like she's mad for what? she should be apologizing and wanting to open up a window to offer communication and explain herself but like nahhhh she don't wanna do that she's just gonna be passive aggressive and shit
  13. like??? usually i just avoid and ignore all this but this was just so completely uncalled for and unjust and my sister was at a dinner with her line sisters?? like?,??
  14. anyways her birthdays next weekend