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Hope. I provide you with hope. It's what I do, people.
- •Red WineIf you do not drink on occasion, you're doing something else to keep from snapping, and it's probably not as healthy as red wine. 3 glasses of red wine in rapid succession is equivalent to a Reiki balancing, mediocre sex, or a week of being at home alone.
- •Take WalksBenefits include: listening to tunes with your ear buds in, fresh air, the only alone time you ever get, touching trees to commune with their life force, showing your neighbors you're strong enough to cry not in private.
- •Have Veg DaysOn your days off from work, veg. Lay. DO NOT MOVE. You are not above the laws of nature. And yet a normal human cannot work full time and raise kids without having a psychotic break. Use your days off for reset and unleash holy wrath on anyone who asks you to lift a godamn finger.
This stuff works great for me, and I know it will for you, too!
- •Unplug!I know you've already heard people say it, but I reiterate!
- •Look at porn!Come on, if you're in the 1.74% of the population that isn't already, just give it a try! It's super awesome!
- •Hug your kids!Because probably when you do, your 17-year-old will exclaim, "Get the fuck away from me!" And then you'll be sad about something else entirely.
By me, an ex-Mormon
- 1.Acknowledge there might be something wrong with the organization.
- 2.Let that fester for a few years.
- 3.Acknowledge there is a 2nd thing wrong with it.
- •Self-deprecate. That way when you are seen doing something just kinda great, you will look magnificent.
- •When You Have a Setback, Laugh. People will look at you and think, "Wow. I believe she's got this."
- •Over-share. When you share unwarranted private details of your life, those around you will think it is because you are insanely confident.
- •You're female and have wrinkles and grey hair.
- •You're female and you work in a diner.
- •You're having sex with me