This stuff works great for me, and I know it will for you, too!
  1. Unplug!
    I know you've already heard people say it, but I reiterate!
  2. Look at porn!
    Come on, if you're in the 1.74% of the population that isn't already, just give it a try! It's super awesome!
  3. Hug your kids!
    Because probably when you do, your 17-year-old will exclaim, "Get the fuck away from me!" And then you'll be sad about something else entirely.
  4. Day Drink!
    At the risk of sounding like a basic bitch, day drinking is A-OK if you know your boundaries and not at work.
  5. Get some Eastern World Zen!
    Light a goddamn candle and listen to some Tibetan Singing Bowls. You can find that shit on YouTube
  6. Masturbate!
    If you're still reading this list at this point, I know you'll be on board with some self-administered pleasure. And if you're one of those people who believes that 'pleasure' is a bad word, you're probably a Republican and stopped reading this list at the title.
  7. Pray to your God!
    You can pray to any god you want! Mine is Steve Inskeep. But really you can pray to Oprah, Tom Cruise, or Elizabeth Warren... anyone you'd like. They won't hear you, like all other gods, but that won't matter at all due to the masturbation and day drinking!
  8. Bite your nails!
    Last but not… well you know the saying. I bit mine just this morning, and as my photo depicts, it takes a lot of concentration to get to where I got with my fingernails, what with all the scraping off of the nail polish with my teeth. Great diversion!