I have a show tonight, and I made this likely itinerary for my fans who can't be there.
  1. Guys, how's it going?!
  2. I'm an outspoken Asian girl!
  3. ✨I feel confidently that I can talk about anything regardless of my gender, age or race✨
  4. ✨I feel no anxiety about the validity of my experiences and the right to share them in whichever ways I want✨
  5. ✨I lean on mic stand, play with cord and take a long sip from a sweating pint of cold beer✨
  6. ✨my sip may in fact be too long and silent but I am so confident that I don't even notice and people respect that✨
  7. ✨white men near and far hear of my success, quit their comedy careers✨
  8. ✨white men certainly do not condescend, insult or objectify me because upon review of all aforementioned hypothetical options, they find them to be futile, a rude abuse of the social power afforded to them by their appearances, and actually quite discouraging✨
  9. ✨45-minute applause break✨
  10. ✨Lorne Michaels laughs✨
  11. ✨I get paid so much money before my set is even finished✨
  12. I've been Celeste! Thank you and good night!