This Halloween, only YOU can objectively decide what IS and IS NOT spooky. And, if, like me, you are crazy brave and also incredibly well-versed in spook legitimacy, you probably will decide that most things are not.
  1. Cotton spider webs?
    Just putting cotton on the ceiling and calling it spider webs doesn't make it look more like spider webs. Cotton is soft af. Let me touch it. Is cotton SPOOKY? NAAAAAAH.
  2. Pumpkins?
    Oh a toothless smile?? A silhouette of a cat??? A deep Doctor Who reference??? Inside of a gourd??????? 🍄🎃🌿 DIY? More like D-I-Why didn't you do something more SPOOKY??
  3. A sticker of a hole in the wall?
    Uh oh what's that on your indoor BRICK wall or the front of your RECEPTION DESK? A witch peeking through? A ghost yelling "Boo!" ??? Boo is right, you stupid ghost. Stickers? NOT SPOOKY.
  4. Black, purple and/or orange streamers?
    Why would paper, albeit multicoloured, spook me? You think I'm scared of paper cuts? NAH.
  5. Tomb stones?
    Your dumb fake tomb stones aren't fooling me! "Mr. Ima Goner" and "Dee Capitated" sound like they were great people, but guess what? They don't spook me. Bitch.
  6. Plastic figurines?
    A single zombie hand? Ohhh a witch head? Some cute little goblins? HEY! YA DO NAHT SPOOK ME.
  7. A witch that has crashed into something?
    A FAKE witch butt stuck in my wall? Hilarious. But NOT SPOOKY.
  8. Inflatables?
    Inflatables are like bouncy castles. And bouncy castles are a DELIGHT. Are bouncy castles spooky? Frig nah!
  9. Turning off your lights on Halloween night because the cynicism that has cultivated inside your fractured, abused, adult heart can not even bear the sight of innocent, unabashed, youthful happiness?
    Spooky as a mofo.