✨KEL✨LYST✨: A LOVE LIST FOR KELLY DE HOOP

I've known @kellydehoop for just over a year, and she is obsessed with me. Here are some really specific and true things I've noticed about the famous, white, male comedian you all know and love, and other things you've probably wondered about her. EDITOR'S NOTE: We made these separately, showed each other when we were done, and laughed a lot.
  1. She'll stick to one type of food until she is really sick of it then won't touch it for like a whole year
    I've only known her for a year, so I will update this fact as more info rolls in. But previous examples include peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and oatmeal.
  2. Same with a famous person she likes
    She'll consume everything about them that exists on the Internet (See: my Jimmy Fallon phase, but more intensive)
  3. She does not cry often
    If she does, it will usually be after a stressful phone call, alone in her bedroom, or empathetically if one of her friends is very upset
  4. She hopes to live in a cabin in the woods one day
    Without ur phone? And me? Don't think so, K.
  5. She is happiest alone
    She likes doing stuff by herself! Shopping, running errands, going to movies. She appreciates quiet reflection and is independent.
  6. She'll sometimes just yell in public because she'll become invested in playing a character
    This equally embarrasses and makes me laugh very much. For example, we have a bit where someone approaches us for conversation or to ask for directions or whatever, and we yell back: DON'T TOUCH ME! Kelly has shrieked this multiple times.
  7. She can be really kind and considerate
    She ACTUALLY puts others needs before hers in most circumstances. She'll meet at a time and place inconvenient for her if she knows that's important to you. If she says she's going to buy you dinner, she will and she won't be late.
  8. She can also be really mean
    Kelly is super smart, so good and bad thoughts stream through her mind quickly. If she's not in the mood, she'll not filter the bad, specific, sometimes hurtful insults and shoot them out with derision. I think it's hilarious and impressive.
  9. She makes extensive playlists every single month. She has only missed 2 months in 5 years.
    This is something she argues "everyone does"...??? Also, she has great taste in and knowledge about music. I trust it very much and appreciate these lists.
  10. She has also kept a diary for many years with this level of dedication
    I've never read any of it. I plan to one day.
  11. She typically spends an hour on her phone when she wakes up and before she sleeps
    Low key addiction. It cool.
  12. She doesn't like talking about sex
    Unless it's ab gross incest jokes or something. Rarely sincerely. This is one of the few things she is v private about.
  13. She, on a regular basis, has (more or less) five people with whom she upholds regular, remote contact
    This is aspirational! Many of her friends live in different cities and she'll keep up with their lives via phone call. A real traditional gal.
  14. She hates Skype
    Idk why she just doesn't like it. Probably because it's too many modes of communication at once (voice, video, Internet) and makes her socially anxious. Who's to know.
  15. She has a competitive side that I know exists, but have yet to directly see
    She used to play and be good at a lot of sports. She plays volleyball now, but I don't really go to her games bc why would I want to watch hot girls play volleyball? Maybe I should go. I've been to like two, lay off. Also, she refuses to play board games with me and we're not competitive about comedy bc why and how the fuck would we be????? God, we're perfect.
  16. She is a low key really good writer
    Because she's smart and funny and that's how to write gud
  17. She writes the way she speaks
    We are head writers of our sketch troupe, and sometimes her asides make me laugh more than her dialogue. To be clear, her dialogue also makes me laugh a lot. Last year, she described a virgin as a "straight up virg'" and this is how I refer to virgins to this DAY.
  18. She's also low key a good singer and rags on other people for this
    A real pet peeve of hers is when people try to sing sincerely but she does it if music is on and no one thinks it's bad or annoying because she's a good singer??? She's going to kill me. Hieeeeee
  19. She minors in Film studies and falls asleep at least once in literally every screening she goes to
    Fucking lol
  20. She bikes all-year round. We live in Canada.
    Like when there's snow on the ground. She bikes. Because she stubbornly wants to still get places in the same time it usually takes her. What a fucking idiot
  21. She writes all the tasks she has to do everyday on her hand
    I've never seen her hand bare of random words... "Library book, bank, computer". (I just looked at my own hand and it says, "salad, wifi". Whatever.)
  22. She gets nervous making phone calls but can make a room full of 50 people laugh doing stand up
    Let the world hear ur voice, Kel!
  23. She's so damn funny
  24. Her type is boys who everyone else thinks are gay, but they're not
    Soft, nice, all their friends are girls
  25. She can make really dirty, gross jokes and it surprises most people
    The first time she met my brother, she joked that she was going to her room to "J-off" and it REALLY made me laugh. She regrets this.
  26. She loves women!
    Just in general, she has a strong appreciation for the female brain and body. She is sooooooo heterosexual, though, don't worry boys!
  27. She worries a lot
    So much. About all things! I know this because ME TOO! And we talk about it constantly. Why would we not worry about things when nothing is concrete and everything changes all the time.
  28. If she likes the way something sounded as she heard it, she'll repeat it to herself
    This sounds insane, and is, but if she hears a word or series of words that sounds pleasant to her, she just likes to say it. This girl on our sketch team said one of her lines ("hello, my family owns slaves!") in a really specific way, and she repeated it sporadically for a week. It's endearing and annoying and I am realizing I should distance myself from her??
  29. She's organized and also messy
    She has a very specific way of typing notes and organizing her computer files- like, she'll restart a whole page of notes if it does not meet her organizational standards. BUT, she'll sometimes just straight up have shit all over her room. I will sometimes find like dirty tupperwares in there. What's that about?
  30. We have a million inside jokes and she brings them up at perfect times
    She'll rehash quick lines at times where I would have never been able to recall, develop and share at the speed and with the hilarity she did. A true skill that makes my life better.
  31. She is both dominant and submissive
    If a stranger catcalled Kelly, she would stick up her middle finger. If she were to be slighted by a professor, however, she probably wouldn't say anything. Is this a fully-fleshed attribute? Whatever. You get it.
  32. She has strong opinions
    This will surprise me sometimes (see last point), but she is smart and understanding, so she never sounds dumb.
  33. She sweats profusely from her hands and feet
    Straight up, I don't like this. I don't resent her for it, but I do not like it. I touch her often!
  34. She is the leader of all her friend circles
    People look up to Kelly, and she knows this, and uses her powers for good (read: to bring people together, to decide where everyone's going to dinner.)
  35. She doesn't like sleeping in other people's beds
    Regardless of distance from her own bed, or whether or not coitus occurred, she will 9 times out of 10 go home to her own bed. (But she let me sleep in hers for two months when I was very heartbroken! See 7.)
  36. She has an impossibly mature outlook on life and life things
    I will never have to worry about Kelly, because she understands what she wants and how she feels about things. This is a quality I only thought adults had.
  37. She's very pragmatic, and rationalizes any problem she encounters
    She is good at giving advice when I feel nervous about something.
  38. She really likes sour candies
    Sour keys and watermelons especially, but peaches or jube jubes will do.
  39. She is fucking obsessed with me
    Why'd you read this whole list, you gd stalker? She's mine! Stay away!
  40. Hahahahahahaah here is hers. CELISTE: A LOVE LIST FOR CELESTE YIM
    To be clear, I didn't even plan on sharing this. Then she made one, and we had to. Whatever. Stay away from her, seriously.