I AM TERRIFIED
All this stemming from the fact that I can't figure out this fucking chord...🎼
- •It's April.That means one more month. I NEED to tell my administration that I do not plan to be back next year.
- •But I am terrified.Like I'm actually doing this? Really? Should I instead just be a bitch, still not tell anyone, and quit in July to give myself more time to de-stress about not having my job anymore?
- •It's one thing to talk about it. To complain about it for a full year. Or like five. It's one thing to be ready to get out of here and move on with my life. God, am I ready to get out of here and move on with my life, but...Can I actually really do this?
- •I am terrified.I haven't saved enough money. I've definitely saved, but fuck man, school is so expensive.
- •ANDI'm pretty sure I never got my raise this year? Or maybe I did. And it just wasn't as significant as I was led to believe. I'm glad it took me until fucking April to realize. Nothing like doing your taxes...
- •I'm so bad with money. Like as long as it is coming in, I don't actually look at my pay stubs. As long as there is still money in my bank account, I'm good. THAT'S SO STUPID, CELESTE.I need to be a real life adult someday.
- •I am terrified.Yeah, Lauren is there, but leaving? Moving away? No more NM? What? And she's not there always, so like what then?
- •I am terrified.And my cats? What do I do with them? And my family? Can I really live that far away from them? My parents. They're getting older. And I don't plan on ever being back long-term in NM after I leave. And I don't even know how to deal with that.
- •I am terrified.And I don't particularly love Nashville. I like it. And I definitely love some things about it. I love to visit since I get to spend time with my best friend and often times her mother, who I also love dearly. I also like that I won't be totally alone in a new city. And I think I like Belmont.
- •I am terrified.But what if I'm not at all ready to be a student again and I suck at all my classes? My music skills from when I was in college are not great anymore and I feel like if I'm being honest, they probably weren't that great then either. And worse, what if my daily fear that I'm actually not that smart is legitimate and very apparent when I start my classes? I can't deal with that either. That is my worst fear and I haven't been able to get rid of that feeling for a long time.
- •I am terrified.And what if I'm not at all someone who should even be a music therapist? I'm not particularly good at anything music related. Yeah, elementary music. Yeah, teaching. You have to be good at teaching for general music, not necessarily music. Music. Therapy. Yeah, I'd love to be confident in my abilities that will make me successful in this field, but I am not. Can I really honestly do it? Is this really for me? Is it just a career I've romanticized for myself because I love the idea of it?
- •I am terrified.Even if I do well in school with everything and it all turns out fine and I'm just being ridiculous (highly doubting that right this second though), music therapy. Do I really want to waste all this money to get a certification to get a job that pays about the same as what I'm doing now with my music education degree? The certification without a degree is one thing, but really, as a whole, do I really want to do this? I do, but... is it just really a stupid thing to do?
- •And this is just in my life.And not everything. Just the right now.
- •But I am terrifiedAnd upset about absolutely everything else going on in the world too.
- •PLUS there were two nosebleeds in my classroom today and I JUST CAN'T.