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- •4 tampons
- •3 plastic forks
- •A screwdriverDiscretely stolen from my classroom on the first day of school so no students would stab each other.
I may not be a great ingénue, but I know that I will be a shining star of musical theatre in my mid 40s. The following things will most likely occur:
- •Jack's mom, Into the WoodsI volunteer for this part after my (currently imaginary) daughter gets cast as Little Red Riding Hood. Each night, audiences cackle at my "Slotted spoons don't hold much soup" line delivery. The director, Marcos, begs me to star with his wife, Antoinette, in the next show of the season as...
- •Vera Charles, MameCrowds go wild for our rendition of "Bosom Buddies". Only Roger, the local theatre critic, senses the white hot rage daggers Antoinette shoots me as I receive a three minute standing ovation after "The man in the moon is a lady".
- •Mama Rose, GypsyAfter postponing for six months while Antoinette and Marcos filed for divorce, I am tapped for my first starring role. Audiences expected my comedic styling a during "Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone", but no one anticipated the dramatic explosion that was "Rose's turn".
- •Dolly Levi, Hello, Dolly!After the critical and financial success of Gypsy, Marcos and his production team reimagine Hello, Dolly! as a star vehicle for me. "Ribbons down my back" is cut so more stage time can be devoted to me. The slow build I bring to "Before the Parade Passes By" leaves the audience breathless.
I guess you could debate this, but why?
- 1.Ben AffleckWith a Boston accent, in a sweatsuit, even on Bill Maher. Talk condescendingly about politics to me, baby.
- 2.Joshua JacksonCharlie Conway. Pacey Witter. Aggressive cuckold on The Affair. I would never cheat on you with Dominic West, hot stuff.
- 3.Chris PrattOooohh. I would even bone Emmett from the Lego Movie.
Teaching is the best job.
- •"You know on tv when white people are eating dinner and they ask if they can be excused, can I be excused from this assignment?" (Me: No) "On tv they always say yes."
- •"My name's not Justin; it's Noodles."
- •"Genitalia is your eye, right?"
Novels, short stories, tv criticism. I love it all
- •William ShakespeareBilly Shakes just gets me.
- •Simon RichWriter of easily my favorite short story of all time. His collection, "The Last Girlfriend on Earth" is incredible.
- •@mindy KalingWhether in her personal essays or episodes of television, Mindy's words speak to my heart and mind. No comedy writer better reaches my experiences and beliefs.
Is sublisting a thing yet?
- •Do you do any good in the world?
- •Have you ever done any good in the world?
- •Why are you still talking?
Because it's the learning channel...
- •Little People, Big WorldTwo little people have one average sized son and one little son. Couple now getting divorced
- •The little coupleA couple who adopted two little children from foreign countries.
- •Seven Little JohnsonsA little couple with five children. How will they manage?
- •Our Little FamilyI don't remember if this is the title. It takes place in Annapolis and I don't enjoy the mother on this one.