what a heartbreak feels like, in stages

kinda
  1. like being punched in the balls, only worse
  2. anger and/or self hatred and/or both
  3. denial
  4. denial
  5. denial
  6. a very sad and unique kind of anger and hurt
  7. breaking down in tears in public because of the tiniest little reminder that you didn't ever realize was a thing
  8. "i'm over it"
  9. breaking down again after you thought you were over it
  10. doubt in everything you believed was real
  11. frequently double-guessing why you're being so dramatic and letting this hurt so much
  12. heaviness & confusion, while simultaneously not caring about things you used to
  13. wearing a lot of baggy clothes and oversized jackets to express my new "i don't give a fuck" self
  14. queasiness/mild revulsion when thinking about being romantically involved again with anyone in the future
  15. fear
  16. Excited to lean into healing, wondering what it will look like on the other side. will I believe in the ultra-romantic, "true" love I once put all my hope in? Or is that childlike view of love gone forever? Can I get back there? Do I want to? Will it look like something completely new?
  17. Fear again. What if I can't love the next person better?
  18. Beginning to feel some magic creep up again when another person can get your heart to flutter.......