THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED WHILE FEELING PERSONALLY VICTIMIZED BY MERCURY RETROGRADE

  1. Cried on the 101 north
  2. Cried on the 405 south
  3. Cried in half pigeon pose
  4. Cried in camel pose
  5. Wiped snot from crying on someone else's towel
  6. Yoinked a restaurant sized vile of soy sauce
  7. Was questioned about said sauce and ran away like an actual criminal
  8. Dribbled an entire cup of coffee down my shirt / cried about it
  9. Sifted through tampons at target while mumbling profusely about "beating the patriarchy"
  10. Stole said tampons
  11. Bought 7 Krispy kremes while tearing up
  12. Decided Mercury retrograde might be the same as PMS
  13. Decided on "manic hilarity" as my comedy label
  14. Cackled into a woman's eyes maniacally after she fell from a chair to the ground
  15. Meowed at a cat on a roof for 5+ minutes
  16. Tried kale juice and yelled that it was "garbage death"
  17. Identified deeply with a man wearing suspenders and sweatpants