1. A lady in Florida put my hand on her boob and told me "It's a mommy thing."
  2. Your snores are scarier than Mississippi.
  3. I wore the same pants for 12 days and developed a California-shaped rash.
  4. In Louisiana, no one matched with me on Tinder.
  5. According to Grindr, my sexual revolution will be in the Chihuahua Desert.
  6. I would have stayed in Marfa, Texas with you.
  7. Sucking my thumb during rush hour in LA chilled me out.
  8. I peed in a cup in Phoenix when you weren't looking.
  9. I'm glad we aren't the type of gays who love WeHo.
  10. I realized in Weed: Weren't our fathers kind of rad?
  11. I'll never forget what you did in that parking lot in Austin.
  12. A person in Lodi told me the drought is a conspiracy.
  13. I don't like guns, but I would have liked one in El Paso.
  14. After three weeks I said, "Well, we didn't die," but I meant to say I love you.