14 THINGS I MEANT TO TELL YOU BETWEEN TAMPA AND SEATTLE

  1. 1.
    A lady in Florida put my hand on her boob and told me "It's a mommy thing."
  2. 2.
    Your snores are scarier than Mississippi.
  3. 3.
    I wore the same pants for 12 days and developed a California-shaped rash.
  4. 4.
    In Louisiana, no one matched with me on Tinder.
  5. 5.
    According to Grindr, my sexual revolution will be in the Chihuahua Desert.
  6. 6.
    I would have stayed in Marfa, Texas with you.
  7. 7.
    Sucking my thumb during rush hour in LA chilled me out.
  8. 8.
    I peed in a cup in Phoenix when you weren't looking.
  9. 9.
    I'm glad we aren't the type of gays who love WeHo.
  10. 10.
    I realized in Weed: Weren't our fathers kind of rad?
  11. 11.
    I'll never forget what you did in that parking lot in Austin.
  12. 12.
    A person in Lodi told me the drought is a conspiracy.
  13. 13.
    I don't like guns, but I would have liked one in El Paso.
  14. 14.
    After three weeks I said, "Well, we didn't die," but I meant to say I love you.