CHARACTERISTICS OF MY BITCH OF A IMAGINARY FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW, JUDITH

This is a 5 year running joke between my mom and me.
  1. SHE LOOKS LIKE LUCILLE BLUTH
  2. She drinks gin in the closet
  3. Wears a lot of beige
  4. Gets her home professionally decorated for the holidays but doesn't LOVE Christmas
  5. Her holiday decor is in the beige category as well.
    She finds it classy
  6. Can't boil water so for dinner she'll have a martini
  7. Hates my mom, LOVES my dad
  8. Hates me.
  9. Hates that her grand daughter loves me
    To clarify: the grand daughter is of her daughter, so my husbands niece.
  10. Apathetically comes to our house for Passover and refuses to participate.
  11. A little anti-Semitic but claims it's "generational"
  12. Has a hairless dog she brings everywhere and no one knows how it's still alive
  13. Oh she's still married.
  14. Her husband (my FIL) loves me
    She hates that he loves me
  15. He sees the good in Judith
    But still sleeps with younger women on the side
  16. Attends charity events and over donates to show off to her fake friends
  17. Has a financial advisor that she hits on nearly every time she sees him
  18. Has gotten into the wrong black suv in the back seat and asked the driver to take her home multiple times
  19. Goes to her country club to be seen, orders a salad, gets the dressing on the side and dips her fork in it.
    Speaks to her husband zero times when he's there
  20. Still brags about the time Harry Connick Jr touched her rear while they danced for half a song at that charity holiday gala in 2003
  21. Uses moisturizer daily but hasn't had to change the bottle in six years
  22. Sleeps in an ill-fitting silk nightgown for no reason
  23. Every restaurant she goes to no matter the cuisine she orders poached salmon
  24. Smokes cigarettes when she's stressed out of those long cigarette holders
    Makes sure you know hers is mother of pearl
  25. Screens all her phone calls and eye rolls at each one
  26. Always smells like Chanel number 5
  27. She's a bitch