THINGS MY JEWISH MOTHER TEXTED ME THAT MAKE ME LAUGH

Let me preface this list with the following information about Sue Keeney: she does not check her texts for grammatical errors and she is, like all Jewish mothers, crazy balls. And I love her.
  1. "Ok there's chicken noodle in the pantry I'll make it fit u."
    I was sick this week and staying at her house. Very nice of her to make me soup—except I don't eat chicken, and haven't for ten years.
  2. "Did you turn off stove?"
    She's been getting over a lingering cold and insists on leaving a pot of water on the stove over low heat all day long, but frequently leaves the house and forgets about it. Might I suggest, a humidifier?
  3. "Where is my car? Seder? Call me. Now."
    Passover can be a very confusing holiday.
  4. "cool...rocking letter chelsea...boss daughter"
    In response to the Mother's Day card I made for her. Sue Keeney will always be the baddest bitch I know. I often call her boss mom.
  5. "Stop at target and buy monopoly"
    I respond, "wtf?" She responds, "JUST DO IT"
  6. "ju want chill polite"
    She meant Chipotle... I suspect she was texting and driving in the parking lot at Chipotle.