I love to feel guilty.
  1. Planning a reason to leave something early weeks before I have to go to it.
  2. Taking too much niacin to look flushed so I can get out of doing something.
  3. Saying, "Let's hang out!" and then never hanging out.
  4. Slowly phasing people out of my life who still use Sweet & Low and Equal.
  5. Blaming even minor personal shortcomings on my idyllic childhood.