5 Reasons Free Bird is THE WORST

My name is Cher, and I hate Free Bird.
  1. 1.
    The length alone is ridiculous
    I am all for long songs. I am all for long songs that are great. I am all for long songs with gratuitous guitar solos, and raucous instrumentals that make you want to dance. What I am not all for is four and a half minutes of weak lyrics, and then four and a half minutes of the 25 members of Lynyrd Skynyrd each taking a turn at playing their fave guitar licks. The recorded version of this song is just over 9 minutes, and the LIVE VERSION IS AT TIMES OVER 14 MINUTES. Are you kidding me?! No.
  2. 2.
    It is in every movie, and it is always making people do dumb stuff
    Examples: Elizabethtown, Free Bird basically burns down a building. Forrest Gump, Free Bird causes Jenny to almost jump off a building. I rest my case. Stop using this song in your movies, people. It's better that way.
  3. 3.
    The words
    This entire song is about a dirtbag man telling a woman who is very clearly into him that he's leaving her because "this bird you cannot change". Okay, asshole, how about instead of wasting 9 minutes of this woman's time with your stupid reasoning, you just go. I can guarantee she'll be better off without you whining about your fear of commitment.
  4. 4.
    How much people love it
    People are very into free bird. But why? It's a mystery, honestly. Do you love free bird? Please explain why this garbage song appeals to you in any way other than "it's a classic" because that is not a real reason
  5. 5.
    My dad makes me listen to it all the time
    I bet a lot of you have dads who also make you sit in the car with them and listen to free bird. My dad does this all the time. He traps me by saying things like "let's go get food" and then begins driving and puts on this garbage song and I have no choice but to plug my ears because i don't know how to tuck and roll out of a fast moving vehicle. And he sings along, and drums on the steering wheel, and plays air guitar. It's horrible. The caged bird. I know why it sings. SOS.