I don't understand most things, but vegetables are my most misunderstood. Help.
  1. Rutabaga
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    Literally what is appetizing about this? It's name is pronounced as though it originated in the Midwest, which I find bothersome, and it ranges in color from purple to yellow to white. Also, you have to rip it out of the ground. That's right, at one point your nasty, waxy, garbage vegetable was in the dirt. Probably next to a coffin. A dogs coffin.
  2. Leek
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    Leeks look like a mix between scallions and artichokes. I really don't know how one grows them, and I don't care enough to google it. What I do know is that they have a dumb name, and when you cut them open, they look suspiciously like onions. I'm just saying, if you're going to be such onion wannabes, I don't know what to tell you. Just be onions.
  3. White Carrot
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    Are you a carrot, or not? Make up your mind.
  4. Cabbage
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    You're just lettuce. Literally you are lettuce, why are you trying to be so incognito? It's not working, the jig is up, you're lettuce.
  5. Purple Carrot
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    See: white carrot. Purple and orange don't match, so like what are you trying to be?
  6. Squash
    All of you are confusing, squash-es. People make soup out of them and then offer it to me, and I say, "no thank you, but I will eat real food if you have it."
  7. Rhubarb
    You are just red celery. Unless you are in a pie being eaten by Joe Pera, I want no part of you.
  8. Artichoke
    Do people eat these when they are not made into dip? I am not aware. What are the spikes for?
  9. Yucca
    One time, my friends dad made me eat a piece of yucca. I spit it back out onto their kitchen table and got a little teary eyed. Then I felt bad so I cleaned it up. What the fuck is this demon root vegetable supposed to be?
  10. Asparagus
    I don't know what you're trying to be, here. Also: the only thing I think when I hear asparagus is "a very, very cute asparagus", which is a 10 second quote from the 2001 film, The Princess Diaries, which has a 47% on rotten tomatoes but a 1000% in my soul. Also: more unexplained spikes. Why!