CRIMES MY LANDLORD HAS COMMITTED AGAINST ME

Imagine each scenario coming at you through a thick eastern european accent, with visible disdain dripping off of each word. Please also enjoy the comedy of his ridiculousness.
  1. Candle theory
    Most ordinary people buy candles to light for various reasons (setting moods, diffusing a smell, additional ambiance, etc) well not my landlord. Candles are the devils spawn in his eyes. Questioning me harshly with an accusatory tone of "you aren't actually lighting those inside are you?" Cause that would be the ultimate sin in his eyes...
  2. Guilty before proven innocent
    Anything goes wrong guess who he turns to ME. Anything at all. Not only are there 25 other units in the building if there is even a trash can out of place or a box recycled improperly. IT MUSTVE BEEN ME!
  3. Cyber bully
    One might think if you send a text OR leave a voicemail that would be enough to ensure your tenant will get in contact with you when they are free. Not my landlord. When he wants your attention he prefers a ferocious text, 2/3 phone calls, a cryptic voicemail, a text from his wife, a call from her maybe two...and if you're lucky a bang on your door. This is all after you didn't answer a text sent 5 mins prior
  4. Boundaries
    A thing of the past. You can expect a weekly knock and you just know it's him wanting to make sure you haven't been harboring fugitives in your 500 square foot apartment...cause of course that's completely plausible
  5. Tutorials
    As a fully functioning adult I don't brag but reading, understanding, and taking direction are all things I'm capable of. But when a new policy is put in place for the building he feels the need to have the co-op bored send me an email, he calls to make sure I saw it, corners me on the street and walks me back home to show me the step by step process, then makes me read the written instructions out loud...have no fear sir. I GET IT