PARTICIPANTS IN MICHAEL APTED'S "7 UP" SERIES, RANKED

Michael Apted has been filming the same group of Brits once every 7 years since they were 7 years old. Having finally finished "56 Up," I feel confident in ranking these documentary subjects by how much I like them and how much I feel like we'd get along.
  1. 1.
    Nick
    Ambitious scientist turned professor. Seriously hot in his younger years. From a tiny village but got an Oxford education. Divorced the awful wife I hated and has a new fabulous wife. Lives in America now. His accent makes my panties self-immolate. I want to marry this man.
  2. 2.
    Paul
    Paul's family moved to Australia shortly after 7 Up and thus he has one of the best accents. He was probably the hottest of the bunch in his 20s and is still in amazing shape. He has like no self-confidence despite his "cute bum in shorts." That quote is from his awesome wife. Something a little bit melancholy about him always. I want to give Paul a hug.
  3. 3.
    Lynn
    Lynn is a saint. She works as a librarian in different forms throughout her life although funding is constantly being cut. Her work with kids with severe special needs is so touching. Her life isn't easy but she seems so fulfilled and optimistic. Lynn is my role model.
  4. 4.
    Sue
    Sue is serving me serious "cool mom" energy. She never went to college but now she's a high-powered university administrator. She SLAYS at karaoke in one of the films. Has been engaged to the same guy for 14 years and doesn't seem to care about getting actually married (she's done it before). Sue seems like fun on a girls' night out.
  5. 5.
    Symon
    Symon was frustrating in the early films even though he handily wins the "cutest 7 year old" award. Illegitimate child raised in a charity home. He worked in a literal meat freezer for years and years with no ambitions to leave. His second wife really turned him around though and he's become an amazing man who fosters underprivileged kids. I love Symon now.
  6. 6.
    Tony
    Came from nothing in the East End. Tried to be a jockey but ended up being a cab driver. You can tell he loves fame and being in the documentaries. Has tried to be an actor but just plays a cab driver extra a lot. He's funny and cute and has an adorable family and a vacation home in Spain. He'd be ranked higher but he always says like one troublingly racist thing per interview.
  7. 7.
    Jackie
    Jackie is a sweetheart but her life stresses me out. She always seems on the edge of falling into ruin, especially now that the government is cutting off her disability. Mad points for raising 3 children on her own. I also like how she's one of the only ones to really lash out at Michael Apted for reducing her life to a sob story in editing. Who Jackie? The boss, that's who.
  8. 8.
    Suzy
    Suzy came from a posh-as-hell background and was so totally OVER IT in the early documentaries. Now she admits that she feels loyal to them even though she hates them and always threatens to quit. Beautiful family, I admire how she became a lovely woman after being such a pissy teenager.
  9. 9.
    Andrew
    Andrew is the only one of the three posh boys that doesn't come across like an ass. His life is a real 😴 though. Privileged education, steady career as a lawyer, country house, cute family. Nothing wrong with him, but 2 minutes into a conversation with him, I know we'd be talking about the weather.
  10. 10.
    Bruce
    I used to like Bruce more. He stayed unmarried for a long time, taught children in Bangladesh and the East End of London, seemed to be an independent thinker. Then he got married around 40, went to teach at a prestigious school, had kids and became a real bore. There's also a creepy soft spoken quality to him that makes me suspect he has a body in a trunk somewhere.
  11. 11.
    Neil
    Everyone loves Neil and thinks he has the real "soul of a poet" or whatever, but I am unsettled by Neil. He's been on-and-off homeless for a long time and seems deeply mentally troubled. I don't like how his story has been romanticized, but I'm glad he lives in a place like the UK where his basic needs are always met. I could have a polite convo with Neil but I'd be afraid he'd turn me into a skin lamp if we got any closer.
  12. 12.
    John
    John is a prick. Ever since he was 7, he's been a prick. He simply refuses to acknowledge that his privilege has given him a big leg up on life. He's skipped two of the films so far but keeps coming back to publicize his Bulgarian charity work. But even in his charity work, I can tell he feels like a benevolent lord who must be worshipped. Screw John.
  13. 13.
    Peter
    Peter was making some rad "Thatcher sucks" comments in "28 Up" and then he backed out of the next three films because of public backlash. He makes a surprise appearance in "56 Up," but he only came back to PROMOTE HIS FOLK BAND. Nope. I dislike Thatcher as much as the next guy but I do not have time for anyone's band. NEXT!
  14. 14.
    Charles
    Charles barely deserves being mentioned. He has refused to be in the documentaries since "21 Up" and tried to sue Michael Apted for continuing to use old footage of him in later films. I could understand this point of view maybe, but you know what Charles's career is? HE'S A DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER. Get out of my house, Charles. No one invited you here.