All of these "opinions" are red flags for me. Let's end them now.
  1. There are too many awards shows.
    Straight guys have multiple sports games every day on a PLETHORA of channels. I have the Oscars, the Golden Globes, the Emmys, the Tonys, the Grammys, and maybe the SAG awards. I'm sorry that a HANDFUL of times a year, there is something you don't want to watch. Boo fucking hoo.
  2. I'm scared of clowns!
    No you're not. Admit to yourself that this is a lie to make you seem precious and cute. I used to say I was scared of clowns all the time. And you know what? I WAS LYING.
  3. I just feel like politicians on BOTH sides are crazy!
    You sound really informed. I like that you're taking a real RISK here. This sounds like an opinion when it's absolutely nothing. Go out on a goddamn limb and believe in something. I would rather you be Rush Limbaugh than give me this wishy-washy fence-sitting bullshit.
  4. The Kardashians are dumb.
    Cool "take"! Are you sure they're not incredibly savvy business women who've become rich by establishing a brand America can't get enough of?
  5. SNL is terrible compared to when you were growing up.
    SNL has good and bad sketches every night! When you look back on it, you only remember the good ones. Also, when was the last time you actually watched the show? Maybe your taste is different from when you were 12?
  6. There is no culture in LA.
    Really? When was the last time you tried to see a play here? I see a fantastic one every month or so. The Walt Disney Concert Hall is a breathtaking piece of architecture that hosts fantastic concerts. Have you ever been? Did you check out the new exhibit at MOCA? I thought not. I'm sorry there isn't an art gallery INSIDE YOUR BUILDING, but LA is a big city. Put in a tiny bit of effort.
  7. I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.
    Oh wow! You seem really cool and above it all! I like you more as a person because of this original point of view. Also, you don't really seem to be paying attention to the commercials either, so maybe you're here for companionship and drinks?
  8. Modern art is dumb. I could paint better!
    Really? You could? Then you SHOULD. You are throwing away MILLIONS OF DOLLARS by not becoming the next Rothko. What's stopping you, o wise sage of art!
  9. I hate how early it gets dark!
    Nothing could be less interesting. Stop looking at me like I can do something to fix this. Also, anything that is truly fun happens after sundown. Be chill. This happens literally every year and we all get over it.
  10. My life would be so much easier if I were gay!
    You're right, straight guy who wants to have more casual sex! Join our team. You get to hook up more and the only cost is: spending years of your life fearing those closest to you will hate you if they know who you really are, the fun ability to get fired in most US states simply because you're gay, constantly worrying about AIDS, panicking about who will take care of you when you're old-- oh what's that? You don't want in?
  11. Why are we all talking about [insert pop culture event] when we should be talking about [world hunger / ISIS / ebola, etc.]?
    Congrats, you are the most serious person in the world. I bet you never talk about the weather or about what's for dinner because THAT IS A WASTE OF TIME WHILE CRISES ARE HAPPENING. Babe, we can't all live like we're on an episode of 24. I assure you I care about your issue. Humans need downtime.
  12. I can't eat fast food because I feel terrible the next day!
    This is a cool opinion that lets me know your body is SO healthy it can't even HANDLE food that isn't healthy. Honestly, I hear this and I want to start worshipping you as the Goddess of Health, She of the Immaculate Bowels.
  13. I can't watch any show with a laugh track.
    First of all, do you know what a laugh track is? You do? Because you just made this comment about a show with a LIVE AUDIENCE. But yeah, you sound so high class than I probably can't understand where you're coming from. You're probably on your way to the opera.
  14. Don't wear white after Labor Day.
    Would you trust your mom's advice about anything else fashion-wise? Then why do you keep trotting out this old garbage saying? Sorry, I didn't know we were all trying to dress exactly alike.
  15. Miley Cyrus is out of control! Ke$ha is trashy! Rihanna is slutty!
    CONGRATULATIONS! [confetti falls] You have correctly identified a brand these celebrities have DELIBERATELY CULTIVATED! You are criticizing them for succeeding at something they set out to do.
  16. Beyoncé is "classy."
    This always feels racist to me. I feel it's the new "eloquent." Is Beyoncé classy or is it just that you find her non-threatening because she's not as "hood" as other black artists?
  17. Why is everyone talking about the sportsball game? Did the quarterback kick a homerun?
    I get it. I hate most sports too. But even I, avoiding all sports, have a basic knowledge of sports terminology. This look isn't cute on you. You are winning no friends with this false ignorance.
  18. The book was better than the movie.
    This is a great way to let everyone know you are an intellectual! How dare anyone lower themselves to a medium so lowly as a "moving picture"! Hey, a lot of times (I would say most of the time) the movie is WAAAYYY better. You didn't like it because it was "different" from the book? That's like criticizing a photo for being different from a real person. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
  19. I'm tired. I'm busy.
    So is everyone else. Everyone has been tired and busy for all of human history. You are not special. NEXT!
  20. Adnan didn't do it.
    Yes he did. No one has ever been more clearly guilty.