THINGS I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT AREN'T REALLY MY FAULT

I was raised Catholic.
  1. Bad presents my parents bought me
    I usually reacted well to these and pretended I liked them! But it made me feel so bad that I was never going to use them. I even tried to listen to the CDs of "great trumpeters" they got me when I was playing trumpet in 5th grade.
  2. The waiter getting my order wrong
    I never send it back. I should have been clearer and eating this imperfect meal is my punishment.
  3. Low voter turnout
    Like, I get off on voting in low-turnout local elections. It's my crack. But when I see the low turnout numbers I feel like I should have brought friends with me to the polls?
  4. When old people don't wear workout clothes to the gym
    I know they're being judged and I just want everyone to stop judging them and I feel so squirmy I want to evaporate into the air.
  5. Local businesses that are closing because they were a terrible idea
    Currently a salad place in my neighborhood in a terrible location that I've never seen anyone inside. I don't even like salads but I feel like I should somehow be stopping their eventual demise.
  6. Other people's failed Kickstarters
    Even if I hated the idea! These people really seem like they're on the EDGE of breaking and I worry that having ALL their fundraising taken away is gonna do that.
  7. Bad plays that probably no one is buying tickets to
    I see the poster and I KNOW no one wants to go to this one-man show and suddenly I'm picturing this guy's friends going to his mostly-empty show because they feel bad.
  8. Dads who feel awkward supervising their daughters at pop music concerts
    I feel like I'm witnessing the beginning of the end of a close relationship between father and daughter. Maybe that's why the dads can't relax.
  9. "Crash" winning Best Picture
    I don't know how I would have stopped this from happening, I just feel like I COULD have if I tried hard enough.
  10. America's lack of belief in climate change
    I can't get my family to believe in it and I feel like *I* am the problem.
  11. When pop superstars get older and people stop buying their albums
    I just want the same people to stay famous forever. I feel this about the demise of every boy band. Also, "Britney Jean" almost broke me.
  12. California's drought, or really, any drought anywhere
    I play a pop song while I shower to make sure I don't take too long. I avoid getting my car washed. I SHOULD BE DOING MORE (even though I know agriculture is the real problem here).
  13. Anyone who shows up late and seems really flustered by it
    Chill! I'm not angry! Now I'm picturing the whole time you were rushing. I wish I could go back in time and calm you down.
  14. Sex scenes in movies I watched with my parents
    I had not seen the movie before. How was I supposed to know? And yet, I feel like I manifested these. It's my fault for outgrowing kids movies.
  15. The bad rides/games at the theme park no one wants to try
    Someone put a lot of time into designing these and they're just going so unloved while we wait in line for a ride that won't be THAT much better.
  16. That Winnie-the-Pooh movie from 2011 no one saw
    It looked so beautiful and I saw it on TV later but I didn't see it in theaters because I didn't want to look like a pedo. I feel like I let my buddy down.
  17. Kids who are mean to their loving parents
    I see you squirming out of your mother's hug and I realize we're all gonna die someday and why am I crying at the supermarket now?
  18. My allergy to cats
    We always had two cats while I was growing up and I was always sick. Didn't discover my allergy until my teens, at which point I started taking pills to deal with it. I feel like I would have rescued some kittens by now if my body would allow it.
  19. Millennia of institutionalized racism and misogyny
    Like, all racism and misogyny that happened after 1986 IS my fault. I just wish I could have done more before I was born. It sounds like it was a lot worse then.
  20. A food item that is the last of its kind at the store
    One time I made my mom buy the last onion bagel at the store because it looked "lonely."