5 Things I Would Rather li.st Show Me When I'm Trending Than Confetti

  1. 1.
    Tiny naked mermaids who's air-bubbles are filled with compliments about my scrawny legs
  2. 2.
    Jon Gosselin's Tears
  3. 3.
    The password for the cool Speakeasy bar close to my apartment that I'm too embarrassed to act like I'm interested in
  4. 4.
    The lyrics to "Smooth" by Santana ft. Rob Thomas
  5. 5.
    Psychedelic cartoon drawings of Rasputin's magical penis