Porn has ruined me, you guys.
  1. While listening to the Borat soundboard on eBaum's world
  2. If my partner whispers the one weird trick to grow my penis that doctors don't want me to know about!
  3. If a 'toon is being lowered into The Dip from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
  4. While Kenny G's "Auld Lang Syne (Millennium Mix)" is playing
  5. If Lisa Frank gives the 'thumbs up' from her throne on a neon rainbow
  6. If my partner's grandfather was a deep sea diver who died by being sucked head-to-toe into his helmet
  7. If I have recently been the sole survivor of a train crash that killed thirty other people
  8. While role-playing: I'm Dobby the house elf and I'll do anything for your sock 😏
  9. If "Mary Jane's Last Dance" is truly about trying to 'quit' marijuana.